Sunday, March 1, 1998

The time I tried to teach my husband, aka "Bad News Benyamin", a lesson.

IT WAS EARLY 1998 (a year that sucked):
We had recently moved 200 miles south of Chicago to the outskirts of Springfield, Illinois because Lorens was offered a good job.  So I spent my days at home with our 4 & 5 year old.  Our house was in the middle of nowhere, 3 miles from the main road, in a Stephen King novel type setting.  It was in the woods, on a hill overlooking the river.  Lorens worked long hours, I was always alone, overnight, and I barely slept.  The sounds of the woods at night freaked this Chicago girl out!  

One day, Lorens and I were driving along in the car. A commercial came on the car radio, "Mighty Man Competition at the State Fair Grounds, Cash Prizes...."  He was saying how he should enter.  How I had no idea what a bad ass he was.  And I was laughing and said to Lorens, "That's just what I wish for."  He said "What?"  I said, "For you to go GET YOUR ASS KICKED." (but in a safe way, in a ring with gloves on).   

He's like, "Yeah?  They better pack a lunch!"

From then on, every time I heard that commercial come on the radio or TV, I'd picture him in a boxing ring, and it made me smile.  I mean, don't get me wrong, I love him to death, I didn't want to see him hurt, maybe just knocked down a few steps.  I was thinking, I bet if he was in the boxing ring with real fighters that would teach him a lesson, he's 33, he just THINKS hes still a tough guy.
I had heard all the stories from him and his friends about when they were younger, he definitely could take care of himself and his friends if need be.  But we didn't start dating until he was 23 so I had never actually seen him fight, never wanted to, and only 1/2 believed the stories.

I was enjoying the Mighty Man commercials WAY too much.  Then I THOUGHT I had a great idea.  I'll get my point across to him through humor.  Me and my practical jokes.  But he totally deserved it.

SO I SIGNED HIM UP FOR THE 1998 MIGHTY MAN COMPETITION 
AT THE ILLINOIS STATE FAIRGROUNDS IN SPRINGFIELD, IL. 


(WITHOUT TELLING HIM ABOUT IT.)

I thought, BOY, AM I GOING TO CALL HIS BLUFF!

I laughed the rest of the afternoon while I did my housework just thinking about the scared look I would see on his face for once. 
I couldn't WAIT to tell him.  
I thought he'd look nervous.  
I thought he'd say he had plans that weekend, LOL.  

When he got home from work, and we started arguing, I said, "Hey, remember how you said you're bad enough to kick ass in the Mighty Man Competition?  Well, guess what, I signed you up today! I guess now we're gonna see how tough you really are!"

I was waiting for him to look scared, instead, a smile came across his face.  I realized, he's TRULY happy, excited.  He couldn't wait to call the guy back!  

Lorens told him he didn't have a ring name.  The guy asked what our last name was, Lorens told him, and the guy said, "OK, then your ring name will be...",

LORENS BAD NEWS BENYAMIN

Lorens called my sisters husband Pat.  He asked Pat to be in his corner Friday night.  They were laughing, joking, so friggin excited, like little kids.  Pat came running right over, they went and got the mouth guard, etc. and stayed up drinking, talking about it, planning his technique,  like it was gonna be the damn Superbowl!

NO FAIR!!!  I couldn't stand it.  My plan had backfired.  
Lucyyyyyy, what have you done!!!!

The other fighters were 18-23.  Lorens was 33.  He was going to be the OLDEST GUY IN THE COMPETITION BY 10 YEARS.  I was still sure he'd be taught a lesson.

FRIDAY NIGHT:
We joked around before he left and I said, "OK, I'LL SEE THE REAL LORENS WHEN HE GETS HOME TONIGHT, I'VE MISSED HIM.  AND YOU?  YOU MR. TOUGH GUY, I HOPE YOU GET YOUR ASS KICKED."

I thought, I'll wait for him to come home, with his tail between his legs.  I'll bandage him up, put ice on his wounds, nurse him back to health, tell him I'm glad he learned his lesson, and I still love him, etc.

So late that night I  hear several cars pull into my driveway.  I hear laughing, cheering, etc.  And I thought, UT OHH.

I think, OK, damn it, I guess he won his fight but maybe he's got a black eye, fat lip, blood dripping, SOMETHING.  So I come downstairs and he opens a beer bottle using the counter, all cool like, and just looks at me, smiling.  I searched his face for a bump, bruise, blood, anything.  BUT THERE WAS NOTHING.

He was tired, relaxed.  The fight did help.  He was on cloud #9.  He gave me a big kiss and said he wished I would have seen him.  Getting in a fight DID mellow him,  he was calling me sweetie and babe again.  It must have released some endorphens or something.

He told me 1 MINUTE INTO THE SECOND ROUND, HE BROKE THE GUYS NOSE AND KNOCKED HIM OUT.   It was the ONLY knock out of the entire night.  He tells me he's fighting in the Finals tomorrow night.

I WANTED TO BE ANGRY.
BUT FOR SOME STRANGE REASON,
I WAS SUDDENLY VERY ATTRACTED TO HIM.

My plan had backfired, again.
DAMN IT LUCY!
SATURDAY NIGHT:
So I got a babysitter for Saturday night and went with him to the Finals. It was at the State Fair Grounds, it was huge, hundreds of people in the stands.

There was a mutual respect that night among the winning fighters walking around before their fights, talking to each other about last nights fights.  They all told Lorens:
 "Great fight last night man!",
"Hey, you're Bad News, right?",
 "Hey, this is the guy that had the knock out last night!"

Right then I stopped wanting him to get his ass kicked.

I was so proud he was MY husband.  I was trying to hold his hand, arm, shirt, pants, ANYTHING, looking at all the ring girls like, yeah, thats right, you BETTER keep walking, I'M with him, this is MY MAN.  I'M MRS. BAD NEWS, STAY BACK!
When it was Lorens' turn to fight and they said, "Introducing in this corner, LORENS, BAD NEWS, BENYAMINNNN" and the crowds in the stands started cheering.  I was like, "thats right, thats MY MAN!!!"

Lorens looked right at me and blew me a kiss and I felt like I was at a rock concert and he was the musician on stage you wanted to throw your clothes at.  AND HE WAS BLOWING A KISS TO ME!!!

So he fought.  It went all 3 rounds.  There were a lot of good punches from both and it was hard to call.  I thought Lorens had won, he delivered some brutal body shots.  Then they announced the other guy won in points.  The winner was suppose to go sit down and fight later.  But instead, the "winner" went up to the announcer after the fight and said he was hurt bad, he was having trouble breathing and he couldn't go on.  Even though Lorens lost the fight, Lorens had broken the guys ribs.

At the end of the night my husband, at 33, and at least 10 years older than everyone else, was given a Mighty Man Finalist trophy that sits in our china cabinet today.  We also have the fights on tape, but it was 1998, so they're on VHS.  When I figure out how to copy them, I'll post the fights.

Its not easy being a smoker, 33 years old and fighting hard 2 nights in a row.  But he did it.  Do you know why?  Because hes Lorens, Bad News, Benyamin, thats why, forever in my book.

Signed, Mrs. Bad News Benyamin.